Monday 23 June 2014

Casting Call Terminology Explained...

Nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out.

Partial nudity required – you’ll be getting one boob out.

No nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out, we’re just not sure at what point yet.

We're making a film - you'll be getting your boobs out.

We need an actress - you'll be getting your boobs out.

Artistic – you’ll be getting your boobs out but we’ll film you in black and white.

Experimental – you’ll be getting your boobs out but you’ll get to wear a mask.

Brave actors required – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of our crew which is made up entirely of our mates.

Please note, this is a student production – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of people who may not have seen boobs before.

Historical – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what they used to do in the olden days.

Futuristic – you’ll be getting your boobs out because regardless of what happens in the future, films will always need naked women.

Film noir - you'll be getting your boobs out but it's fine because it's classy and that makes everything ok. 

Documentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what happened. Honest.

Mockumentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon doing a mockumentary on the porn industry is well edgy.

Shakespeare – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon setting Hamlet in a brothel is well edgy.

Indie - you'll be getting your boobs out because everything has to be well edgy.

Pantomime – you’ll be getting your boobs out because ALI BOOBIE AND THE NAUGHTY THIEVES.

Horror – you’ll be getting your boobs out just so you can die horrifically.

Sci-fi – you’ll be getting your boobs out and LASERS.

Comedy – you’ll be getting your boobs out because you’re the only woman in this and rules are rules.

Children’s theatre – you’ll be getting your boobs because, er, solidarity with the breastfeeding mums? Yeah. That’ll do.

We're casting Game of Thrones - you'll be getting your boobs out with dragons.

We're casting a new HBO show - you'll be getting your boobs out but at least loads of people will see them when they illegally download the show.

We're casting a new BBC show - you'll be getting your boobs out but no one will really care because Benedict Cumberbatch is in the next scene. 

This is a low budget film – you’ll be getting your boobs out and are expected to be grateful for the Zones 1 & 2 travelcard and a bag of Wotsits.

We’ll be taking this show to Edinburgh – you’ll be getting your boobs out which will be a nice memory when you’re in bed recovering from pneumonia.

We’ve already had interest in this film – you’ll be getting your boobs out so that we can keep them interested.

You must have trained at an accredited drama school - you'll be getting your boobs out because these are no university mammaries, they're RADA mammaries.

We'll be entering this into film festivals - you'll be getting your boobs out because, hey, they kept up their side of the bargain, so...


No pay but many members of our crew have won awards – you’ll be getting your boobs out because BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU’RE GETTING TO SHOW YOUR NIPS TO A BOOM OPERATOR WHO GOT THEIR DofE BRONZE.

No pay but this will look great on your CV – you’ll be getting your boobs out because every actress deserves to have ‘Naked Girl’ on their Spotlight page at least once.

No pay but this will great on your showreel - you'll be getting your boobs out because who doesn't want a constant reminder of the time they got naked in a stranger's flat?

No pay but we will feed you - you'll be getting your boobs out because we bought you pizza, goddamnit.

No pay and we won't be covering expenses - you'll be getting your boobs out because OH PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BOOBS OUT. Game of Thrones gets boobs all the time. Now we want them. BOOBS. 











5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Miss L but from number 3 downwards this really is a complete load of utter nonsense. An obsessive, bitter angry rant way below your usual standard- more sarcasm than satire. Presumably if you ruled the acting industry or any other artistic field, under your dictatorship no woman would be allowed to go top topless - ever. Besides, are breasts so offensive and unpalatable that they should never be displayed? Personally I'm not that bothered about seeing breasts, but surely if an actress is happy to go topless that is her choice

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    1. Sorry you're let down by my latest post, it was merely a bit of fun looking at the idea that a lot of casting calls ask for female nudity.
      Not at any point have I said that women shouldn't get naked and that I have a problem with nudity on screen. However, what I do have a problem with is gratuitous nudity that seems to sneak its way unnecessarily into films, TV shows, student productions, etc. My blog was merely to attempt to highlight how nudity and the female form is often treated within the industry and I'm sorry that that didn't come across.

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  2. Thank you for your response - I did feel disappointed and annoyed by the blog. Absolutely no pantomime or childrens theatre would ever ask for topless women. You're usually witty, insightful and enjoyable to read. And indeed, you didn't say you had a problem with nudity and women shouldn't do it - my apologies. I consider student films to be a learning curve for the students and they make crass mistakes and cliches along the way ( don't get me started on zombie/post-apocalypse films uuugh!) Their films are critiqued by their peers and tutors so we only hope they learn something about respect along the way. Anyway moving on, I look forward to a return to form!

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  3. I thought it was hilarious. Maybe because I have boobs? Of course panto and childrens theatre wouldn't ask for it, but still very funny

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  4. Laughed my butt off :) Clearly the word "parody" fell out of the previous poster's dictionary, but hey, well done to them for finding their thing to take offence at for the day ;)

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