Saturday, 2 March 2013

The Hand Biting Princess


After seeing this casting call: I want an actress who doesn't need paying,   Miss L responds...

Dear Director/Filmmaker/Bloody Chancer

I was incredibly excited to read about your upcoming film and just had to contact you to offer my services because I believe I am the hand biting princess you're looking for. You sound like such an understanding and generous director that I’d never forgive myself for missing the possibility to work with you.

Let me introduce myself; my name is Miss L and I’m the actress you need for this thrilling project. I LOVE a film with a dream sequence, I'm well good at pretending to talk in slow motion and I've heard of emotions before. I also studied drama at school and I'm a Sagittarius so archers are totally my thing.

You say that virtually everything has been sourced without cost well it's time to add ‘actress’ to that list because I cost nothing. I travel everywhere by the power of flight and I live off thin-air so have next to no expenses. I live in an imaginary house that’s heated by kind-spirited fairies and I wash in petals provided by voluntary pixies. I wear clothes that have been made by sparrows and I drink rain water straight from the sky.

I notice you said that there may be some money from your Kickstarter project but please don’t waste your parent’s money on me. You’ve said you only want to pay those who deserve it and there’s no way that I would deserve it. The time I’d be taking out to be in your film, the hours I’d spend working on your script, the other jobs I might turn down just to work with you, none of these would allow me to qualify for your hard-earned cash. The years I’ve spent working on my craft and the fact that this is my career really mean that I’m the least deserving actress you could possibly meet. It would make me much happier knowing that the money went straight to you, the most truly deserving of us all.

You’re right to seek actresses with the qualification of wanting to work on something whether they get paid or not. I spent three years at drama school and I was so pleased when I got a first in being able to work for free. I wish I could describe to you the pride my parents felt when I graduated with the possibility to just live off the passion of wanting to act. And that’s why I was also so pleased to see that you’re holding auditions so therefore don’t need someone with any experience. Thank god I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learnt from the past 7 years of working as an actress! You have no idea how much it pleases me to realise that all those lessons I learnt are utterly useless. 

I see you’ve yet to provide a schedule apart from 23 March and are very keen to not bother with timewasters. So that I can match your precious criteria, I have cancelled everything that I had planned for the next three months. You also say that you won’t consider anyone who can't make the casting so, as you haven’t provided an audition date, I will organise nothing until I hear from you. I trust this is acceptable and means that I’m the ‘right girl’ for you.

I’m so glad you said that your film will be like Game of Thrones but in Devon without the budget. For me, these are the things that ruin Game of Thrones. The fact that a production company has actually put some money into something, paid all the actors fairly and produced a high quality programme really ruins it for me. Knowing all those actors are being paid for their job and having to watch a series that has had time and money put into it makes me physically sick. And there’s not an episode of Game of Thrones that I watch where I don’t wish they’d feature Plymouth National Marine Aquarium or Crealy Great Adventure Park. Clearly you are a man of taste.
Now, I must admit that I am unable to ride a horse but the fact you can teach me is all I need to know. 

Of course, it’s 2nd March today and you’re hoping to start shooting on 23rd March. I imagine once you’ve got me in for a casting and given me the role, that should give us 2 weeks for you to teach me to ride a horse. I imagine that with all this time plus the fact I watched some of the dressage events during the Olympics last year mean that I’ll pick it up in no time. Not only will I be able to ride a horse but I’ll be able to ride a horse to such a level that I can also act while doing it and not injure either myself or anyone else.

I was going to tell you a bit more about myself but, quite frankly, as a great person once said, I literally can’t sell this enough so I’m not even going to try. Opportunities like this DO NOT come along often. If you’re not biting my hand off for the chance, you really shouldn’t be trying to make a film.

Oh, and I’m so pleased to hear about all the awards this film is already set to win despite the fact it hasn’t even been made yet. Due to your superior psychic abilities, I probably don't need to tell you this but I too have already won a string of BAFTAs and Oscars for films I’ve yet to appear in so I think we’ll work extremely well together. 

I realise that you don’t currently have much time, so much so that you felt the need to mention it in your casting call which must mean you’re extremely busy indeed. I therefore hope that this application of mine hasn’t taken up what precious little free time you have. 

Oh, and you also mentioned in your casting call that you're talking horses. THAT IS AMAZING.

Yours bitingly,

Miss L

22 comments:

  1. Read the casting breakdown. Simply unbelievable! Wonderful Riposte, Miss L.

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  2. Hahaha awesome :)

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  3. Absolute genius. Beautifully crafted piece of writing and I would have no hesitation in hiring you to bite him.

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  4. Please god let him reply

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  5. I noticed he misspelled Xena, the character he himself announced he was modeling his princess after, and knew immediately this casting could only go downhill.

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  6. This is yet more of your pure genius! I am still in utter shock - it is very hard to believe that the Star Now thing is genuine, it is so utterly, incredibly stupid.

    Please tell me you sent your reply to this guy?!??!!

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  7. This is a wonderful response. Thank you so much for speaking out. This director needs to be named and shamed methinks!

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  8. Brilliantly spoken (written) for all of us. I'm resigned to doing a couple of shorts for nothing at this point to fatten my showreel, but when they ask for everything including your first-born child, I lose my sense of humour.

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  9. But you'll get to drink from a stream too! Is the potential stomach disorder not payment enough?
    (who is this moron? please name them)

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  10. Miss L you have made me chuckle. I also notice at the bottom of the casting breakdown "The owner of this listing has agreed to abide by the UK National Minimum Wage Act."...... hmmm he must be confused...

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  11. After reading that casting call I quit my jobs, cut off all my friends/family and am currently sitting in a dark room, waiting for them to call me...just waiting for my unicorn to pick me up some food from the magic food producing tunnel in my back garden and then I'll send them another email.
    SUCH AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY!!!

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  12. Fantastic! We've all seen calls like this, but your reply was truly delicious. Thank you!

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  13. Two of my favourite sentences from the casting call.

    "Basically, imagine a big budget series like Game of Thrones done in Devon without the pressure of the big budget and the productions companies".

    No comment.


    "There will be a casting for this role so no experience is necessary, but if you can't even make it for the casting then you will not be considered."

    No comment.

    Brilliant, just brilliant. This has made my evening.

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  14. Wonderful reply, unfortunately there are a lot of wannabees who think shouting out "I'm a film director" makes people fall to their knees or into their beds with awe and gratitude.
    Keep up the witty comments Miss L

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  15. fantastic I haven't laughed so much in a long time !! - beautifully written - very clever.

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  16. Did anyone make a copy of the casting call? It's been taken down now and I would have loved to read it.

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  17. I saw the same casting call, reworded on a different casting website a couple of weeks later. He is now offering NMW but does warn "You have to really like what you are doing to work for such pitiful money".

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  18. You are my girl crush Miss L. I have an invisible poster of you on my wall, you look great on the red carpet. I love what you're wearing. I'd love to have dinner with you sometime.

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  19. OMG!! you're killing me!!! I love you and your writing--thank you.

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