Miss L: "I Hadn't Left The House For 3 Days."

You may remember a couple of weeks ago we interviewed Miss L on her life as an actor. Well, since then, questions have come flooding in (we think someone asked us in the pub the other night anyway) about how she is such a successful rester. So, we’re meeting Miss L again in the hope that she can pass on some pearls of wisdom without passing on the persistent cough she’s picked up from her damp-ridden house…

We ask if we can meet Miss L at 9am. She goes silent for a few minutes. We check if she’s ok. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean,” she admits. “Is 9am a bar?” We tell her not to worry and that we’ll come to her again. “Bring crisps,” she orders us. Again.

So we’re back in Miss L’s abode, so humble it does actually smell of pie. “They were on offer,” she explains, “Two pies for a pound. I bought ten.” Today, Miss L is resplendent in her dressing gown. She spots that we’ve noticed. “Tammy Girl,” she announces, proudly.

We settle down on her sofa. A few out-dated copies of The Stage litter her coffee table. So, how did Miss L get started in the world of resting? “Well it began when I realised I hadn’t left the house for 3 days yet I was still OK. That’s when I really knew. I’d managed to put together a meal from broken bits of pasta, a tin of olives and an orange I found behind the microwave. I thought, if I can do this then why don’t I try doing this professionally?”

Did she experience any difficulty when she was first starting out in the world of resting? “Oh definitely. There’s a lot of competition out there, especially from university students. So I had to work really hard at first to really make sure I was at the top of my game.” She takes a gulp of cold tea from a cracked Doctor Who mug, “I lost a lot of friends in the first year because I was dedicating so much time to it. Of course they understood but it was a really tough. I made myself go for a week just living off onions, chickpeas and value vodka and only read the stage section of The Guardian. That’s the closest I came to giving up.”

But now at the top of her game, does Miss L still struggle to remain professional at all times? “You have no idea,” she laughs, changing her slippers from formal to novelty. “There are times when I get to say 1 or 2pm and I’ll get an urge to do some work. That can be really difficult. I usually try and distract myself by watching Man vs Food or, if it’s really bad, then I’ll go up to the shop and get a Kit Kat Chunky. Usually by 3pm, the need to be productive has gone. I’m very lucky that I’ve learnt how to deal with it. I know others who still have real problems with this and have applied for up to three jobs in one single day. I feel for them. I really do.”

And what of Miss L’s hopes for the future? “If I can maintain the level I’m at now then I’m happy. There are still a lot of issues I have to deal with on a daily basis and unfortunately the need to leave the house will always be there. I try to make sure the only times I go outside are to go to a soul-destroying job or to go and watch other actors be far more successful than I am. Those things really help me focus on my goals and encourage me to strive for resting perfection.” She pauses for a moment and smiles fondly, “The postman told me the other day how impressed he was that I’m always in during the day. That was such a proud moment as I realised my resting is having a positive impact on other people’s lives. That’s all I could really ask for.”

Miss L’s top tips on how to be a perfect rester:

1.  Comfy pyjamas. You’ll never be a true rester without them. Being comfortable on the sofa means you’re comfortable with who you are.

2. Be open-minded about what you consider a meal. If you won’t accept frozen peas and banana as a suitable breakfast then you need to seriously consider whether the world of resting is really for you.

3. Tea. You will never be able to rest without it. If you don’t like tea then diet Coke or coffee are the only other acceptable substitutes.

4. If you must earn money then make sure it’s at the worst place possible. You need to go somewhere that makes you want to tear your soul into tiny pieces so that you can truly appreciate the joy of resting. Call centres and promo work are particularly good for this.

5. Let others know what you’re doing. Not everyone understands how resting works so make sure you explain to everyone around you why you’re doing this. This will help stop them from trying to ruin things for you by attempting to find you acting work.